Tis the season.

The Holidays are officially upon us. We have started Christmas shopping, the tree is up, Sullivan is wild, and Greta is chill. Dave and I often talk about how much fun next Christmas will be with two toddlers running around. It is going to be amazing.

But then my thoughts are flooded with images of my dear best friend Stacy. I am still struggling to make sense of it all. The tears are still coming daily, sometime several times a day. I am mourning the loss of Dave, but also a sort of loss, or maybe absence is a better word, of my best friend. She is grieving and mourning in a way I cannot imagine. I catch myself selfishly wishing I could have a 'normal' conversation with her, although I'm prepared that that may not happen for months. But I can honestly say that I miss her. I want to call her with news and gossip, but in the scheme of things, I think of how irrelevant the news and gossip actually is. I have never been a big church goer, but find myself really wanting and needing to go, and when I am there, I fight tears for most of the service. I wonder why her? What is the reason behind all of this? Why does it have to be permanent? I find comfort in conversing with my friends, sister, and Dave who also have the same questions, and who are available to cry with me whenever its needed. I am still struggling with the fact that I cannot physically be there for Stacy. I am desperate for any sort of communication from her. I get messages from her, although they are brief, they are regular. I hang on these messages, they may be as simple as "Thanks, Suz," but I read it over and over and then wonder where she is right then, how she is doing, and how in the hell is she coping with this nightmare. I wonder how the kids are and how she comforts them when they ask for Daddy. I wonder how her pregnancy is going, she is 26 weeks today. How can she not see and touch the bulge of her pregnant belly, or feel the baby move and not break down into tears?

I am so thankful for my family, but am also conscious of those who are in pain this Christmas season.

Life is so fragile